An Unspoken Fear.

Day 5.

I was baptized, at age 13. I grew up in the Church and now at age 20, I feel like I have missed out on something. I have heard thousands of testimonies about God delivering people from drinking and drugs and sleeping on the street. These are wonderful testimony and people really have changed through the power of God. I think that they are amazing and people love to hear them. The thing is.. I don’t have this type of testimony.

I grew up trying to be the perfect girl, daughter, Christian, everything. I never did anything ‘bad’ and read my bible. To quote a song I may or may not have stuck in my head:

“I’ve always been the girl who hid my face. So afraid to tell the world what I’ve got to say… Do you know what its like to feel so in the dark, to dream about a life where YOUR the shinning star. Even though it seems like its to far away, I have to believe in myself. Its the only way.”

I am just beginning to understand the last part. I have always put myself on the back burner. Im not sure if that is wrong or unhealthy but I put others first. I would rather hurt myself then let someone else be hurt.

My fear is this: I do not have the ‘right’ testimony, so I am not really saved.. I have not turned from the world and so clearly I am not a real christian. This thought terrifies me to the CORE. I unfortunately don’t have a happy ending. I wish I did, but I don’t.

Lord, show me who you want me to be. Let my testimony be a light for others so that they can get something out of my life. I doubt only myself when you are not in control. Please show me that you have the reigns in my life. I love you Lord. Amen.


One thought on “An Unspoken Fear.

  1. I have struggled with the same feelings about salvation. I don’t have an earth shattering testimony to persuade people to choose Jesus. But I learned that salvation is a supernatural work of God period. It doesn’t matter if you’re the man born blind and got healed or the simple girl who grew up in a Christian home. The very fact that you have an inkling of affection towards Christ is proof that His Spirit in you. I learned that salvation is about choosing righteousness and worshipful adoration on daily basis. Don’t worry about yesterdays story, focus on the one you’re making now.

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