Today was a wonderful day at work. Surprising I know. So I come home and clean up the house for Daddy. But today is Wednesday and so I was going to help out with the youth group. Here’s the catch; they ‘didn’t have room for me.’ Thats the most depressing thing. To be left out, it just sucks. This incident showed me something about myself that I only partially knew. I am so afraid of being left out that I actually try to care less so that it doesn’t hurt so much when they say no. This isn’t healthy. I know that. I can see that very clearly, but how do I change that? I hate not caring. I want to hang out with people and have fun doing it. This is possible, I know it because I see it all around me. How do I get there though? Lord if I know..
I think that all people hate to be left out. Obviously. And everyone has felt it in some way. How do you get over something like that. I don’t want to pretend that I have it worse then anyone else, but I know that I have a horrible fear of abandonment. Being told that there is no room for me is kinda like hearing that I am unwanted and I should just stay at home because more people would have fun if I wasn’t there. It sucks. I think the fear comes from a memory from forever ago. When I was very little I remember my Mom and Dad were fighting and he packed and got in the car and drove away. He left, and I was watching from the window wondering what I did wrong. He came back, but he left. From that moment on I tried to be perfect so that he would never be upset enough to leave us again.
Dear Lord, please help me understand that even though people will leave me YOU never will. Please help me feel your presense always around me. Lord help me through this. I need you. Amen.