October 14.

Something was different today. Every day I was living and felt myself becoming more and more of a shallow Christian. I had my beliefs, but there was hardly any depth to them. This morning I woke up and did my morning ritual. Get dressed, grab bible, go to breakfast. Even as I read the words, they fell out of my head. I wasn’t retaining anything. I prayed a prayer that has been spoken a hundred times but never felt. And in chapel I sang the songs without feeling. It was like my life was passing me by and I just flowed along side it. No longer was I an active participant, simply just a lifeless body following the masses. The speaker got up and spoke on prayer and how it was the one thing that we NEEDED more than anything else in the world. But for me, I was just listening to another sermon, listening to the words but not hearing anything.

Then the speaker (Charlie Dawes) did something I was not prepared for. He asked us to pray, to actually talk to God. Honestly and from the heart. Most speakers will pray for us, and ask us to bow our heads together. This was different. I wanted it to be different. I needed to feel God, I needed to be wrapped up in his loving arms and enjoy the embrace of a father. So I started praying, and not in my normal prayer. I was real with God. Something changed in me. He was a Father who loved me rather than a master who created me as an unwanted servant. This was the relationship I wanted, that I needed. I prayed to him, calling him Dad instead of God. Then the truth came out. Tears flowed without embarrassment as I reveled to him that I wanted his love so much, but I was so afraid that I would not be worthy of it and I would lose it. I am so scared to lose my Dad’s love that I created this almost relationship so I could be in control of how close we were. I am not saying that there was some miracle and an angle came, but there is a relationship there now. My heart has finally been opened and is now in the hands of my Dad, the one who loves and created me.

Dad, I don’t want to pretend to be a good pray-er, the only thing I want is to always been in close contact with you. I love you so much, and I cannot thank you enough for loving me. Dad, please don’t leave me. Amen.


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