Uncontrolable hope through unfathomable hurt.

February 12th.

It is two days until the most romantic day in the world. This day seems to get a lot of scorn. Although it is a wonderful day overwhelmed with people falling in love, it is also a day of abrupt loneliness for those who don’t have a ‘special someone’.  I have the friends who call it Single Awareness day, but I love it. (even though I seem to be lacking the partner).  I am shocked at how easy it is to write a cheerful blog the day after something devastating happened. I lost a friend. And this friend didn’t die, that would almost make the heartache easier. This friend instead, left. I thought we would be friends forever. It was a friendship unlike any other friendship I have ever had.

I have always guarded my heart with iron bars and an attack dog, but *friend* got past my defences. I don’t know how. I definitely did not sit there and allow it to happen. That must be why it hurts so bad. This person had a piece of me and never realized it. Then they just discarded it like it meant nothing, like I meant nothing.

Yet, my heart still has the capacity to love. I have never been hurt like this, and I am completely shocked that I can still be happy for people who are in love. That I can still rejoice with young lovers and wish them well.

I heard a sermon last week that I have not forgotten. It gave an anecdote (as most sermons do) about sheep farmers in Cuba. These farmers had old sheep (or mutton) and lambs who would go out during the winter and eat grass. The weather was very cold and the lambs were dying but the farmers couldn’t figure out why. Then it hit them. The Mutton were leading the lambs, but because they could not feel the coolness (because of all their wool) they would stay out without thinking. What the farmers did then was shave the tops of the mutton’s heads, so that they would feel a little bit of the cold and better lead the lambs to safety and warmth.

The preacher then said that sometimes God was like this. There are people (lambs) who have gone through so much and they look to the Christians (mutton) for help. Until the Christians go through some type of hurt, they will never be able to help the lambs, because they will be completely unaware of what to do.

This isn’t exactly theologically sound, but it makes my heartache make sense. If I can go through this and help someone else, then I would gladly go through it again.  (But not right now, because I really don’t think I can handle that….)

God, You are so amazing. When people leave me, you are always there. I will not ask you to remove this hurt, because I know it is a valid emotion and I have to go through it. Your children say ‘those who hurt greatly, love greatly’. Let this hurt turn into the greatest love so that I can show people how you love them. God, I love you, happy almost valentines day. Amen.


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