I have been reading this book that is really wonderful. I remember a mentor of mine giving it to me my first year at University and it changed my life. I wholeheartedly believe that if a book has such an impact once in your life, then it is very wise to go back to it, and re-read it. Which is what I decided to do.
So the question was raised in my heart when I read this sentence:
“What a man needs to hear from his woman more than anything is I need you. I need your strength. I believe in you. You have what it takes.”
It is the word need that caught my eye. Before I go further, I should point out that this is a book dedicated to finding your beauty as a woman through God. It talks about relationships with men, only because that is where we have sought to have our beauty validated, rather than God.
So, I need him. ‘I need you.’ I am fairly certain that this sentence has never been uttered from my lips before. Maybe I need you, God. But never toward a man. In this harsh 21st century life, a woman is told to hide her heart. If I tell a man that I need him, then I would be needy. Right?I would be giving up some of my power as a woman and letting a man step into my life. How absolutely terrifying.
In my house, we were born to be independent. My sister and I joke about the fact that our motto could be ‘You should be able to beat everyone in the room at whatever they throw at you, or at least be one of the best.’ We have worked to be everyone’s idea of perfection, changing who we are to fit accordingly. But the idea of independence became everything. I thought that if I had to rely on someone else, then I was weak. I was living my life incorrectly.
I remember a conversation that I had with a guy friend of mine. We were talking about why we were in each others lives. And, like typical me, I said something before I really thought through it. But thinking back, it was the most truthful statement I had ever made. I told him that I didn’t need him. I was fully capable of living my life without him. But I wanted him in my life.
Is that wrong? Does it make me less of a woman to think like that? I wonder if it makes me more of one of those dominating women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to go after it. The world applauds these women. But does God?
Ah, there is the real question. For all of you who were wondering when I was going to get to it. There ya go. It just took me some time to process my thoughts enough to turn back to God. I wish that I could say this is easy. Honestly, I wish it was easy. But when I am completely gut wrenching honest with myself, I wonder if the way I see guys in the world is the same way I view God. Do I just want God rather than desperately cling to him? That question haunts me. It terrifies me to my core.
Does my independence separate me from God? Probably. It is something that I have to fight every day. Because my relationship with God is the most important thing in my life. I willingly give up this idea of having to be perfect for him because there is nothing I can do to be perfect. I’m not, and I am slowly coming to the realization that not being perfect is okay.
BUT back to guys. Want vs Need. Which should it be? I suppose in a marriage, you should need your husband. You should let him know that he is important and bla bla bla. But in a dating relationship, isn’t telling the guy you are with that you need him… needy? I have heard guy after guy complaining about how a girl is too needy. Or clingy. Or overly attached.
If, like the book says, a guy wants to hear the words ‘I need you’ so much, then why do they run from it? I’m a girl, so I suppose there are some things I will never know. But I almost want to test this theory. Would it be horribly awkward to run up to men and tell them I need them? It would make a comedic video, but I wonder how often we, as women, do this.
Can we even determine a difference between want and need? I am not sure that we have figured out the subtle but drastic different definitions that these words hold. One is vital to sustaining life, while the other could be a passing fancy. One causes us to move, while the other entices us to wish we didn’t have to.
For example, I want Nutella. All the time. I do not need it.I want to be happy. I do not need to be happy.
So where does this need for a man come in? I do not need a man. How harsh that sounds.. It seems almost bitter, but I am quite positive there is no bitter intentions. So, is it okay not to need a man? I’m not sure. Is it?