Refusing to Go..

There is this awkward transition that happens between not doing something to doing something.

You know what is comfortable? The not doing something.

Gosh, Tara. Thats super confusing and vague. What could you be talking about?

Glad you asked. (And by asked, I obviously mean glad you kept reading what I was writing and playing along.) Again, so glad.

Im talking about EVERYTHING! But in this instance, I’m talking about ministry. More specifically, joining a ministry you haven’t done. Its always going to be awkward because you’re standing around thinking things like

“When does this start”

“Will there be food?”

“Who do I talk to..”

On these very rare occasions when I find myself out of the loop, I tend to hid. Its embarrassing, but its the truth. As outgoing as I am, I’m actually pretty shy. GAH?! What?! No way! Thats IMPOSSIBLE! .. Should be.

However, in this real time moment of “should I go..?”, I am so confused as to what I am supposed to be doing, I am actually just sitting in my office and blogging about it instead of going out and engaging students.

Because going out there means I’m actually doing it, and I’ve no clue what ‘it’ is.

Like any person who is nervous but willing to try I usually I have a fool proof way of avoiding the fear of starting new things.

The plan: to jump in head first.

I’ll figure out swimming through whatever we will be doing once I am in the middle of it.

So plucking up my courage I have headed to the youth area FIVE times. Every time there hasn’t been anyone there bringing me back to my office wondering “What am I doing staying at work for an extra 3 hours when its my night off..” knowing full well that I want to be doing youth ministry.

So as fearful Tara writes this blog, hoping the minutes tick by and I can convince myself to go get messy with some community instead of going home and going for a run by myself.

Gosh. That does seem to be the issue.

Should I stay and jump into what is sure to be awkward messy real relationships, or go home to my safe quiet lonely home and cook for myself then go to sleep prepared for the next day.


NEVER!! I want to go to the end of my life exhausted knowing that I poured out everything I have for God. Thats what I want. Not a safe meal alone.

So here I go again. hopefully the Sixth time is the charm.




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